Let's Be Adults Here
by ImpNo1
Summary: Jimmy has really good intentions - he's just got bad luck. He got chased with a staple gun, crashed his car, and now several people want to kill him. Oops? - Slight Clark/Lois, Chloe/Jimmy if you squint.


Let's Be Adults Here

Disclaimer: I do not own Lucky Charms, Smallville, a staple gun, or a grapple-hook. This was written solely for entertainment purposes, and I am making no profit from this.

Rating: T

Note: Sequel to Jimmy Olsen, You're Screwed, but can be read on its own. Took me forever to write, because I kept deleting draft after draft… but I think I'm content with this one. Takes place let's say… a month after JO,YS.

Dedication: For Careens.

*+=*+=*

**PROLOGUE**

Jimmy was having a very, very bad week.

He had been chased with a staple gun. He had crashed his car. Chloe was no doubt considering killing him.

And all he had wanted was to help.

*+=*+=*

**PART ONE**

**Who, Me?**

**Friday**

Jimmy crouched behind a desk, his knees to his chest, and prayed she wouldn't see him.

See, Lois Lane was angry at him. _Really _angry. It hadn't entirely been Jimmy's fault. He'd walked in on Clark on Lois arguing, panicked, and inadvertently gotten Lois fired for being a "major disturbance".

So yeah, understandably, she was pretty pissed. Currently, she was stalking him in the basement of the Daily Planet, a staple gun as her weapon. Which was why Jimmy was now cowering behind a desk and praying for salvation.

Her voice carried through the room, sleek and deadly:

"Jim-my… where are you? Come out. I just want to talk to you."

Jimmy didn't buy it for half a second, and bent his head further to ensure his survival. He knew, however, that Lois wasn't one to give up.

_Dear God, _Jimmy thought, _I'm too young to die. _

He heard Lois step nearer to his hiding place. If she got any closer, he'd be trapped.

Jimmy took a deep breath, jumped up from behind the desk, and ran like all the demons of Hell were chasing him. Actually, he was pretty sure he'd take a whole horde of demons over Lois any day.

He ran. Lois chased him, staple gun raised. Jimmy squealed and ran faster.

He dove into the supply room, crouching between a few shelves and a table. It was pretty dark (Lois had chosen to kill him late at night – no witnesses), and Jimmy decided she might not be able to see him.

"Jimmy… come out, come out, wherever you are… let's be adults here," Lois called.

Jimmy swallowed hard. He figured he could crawl out of the supply room on his hands and knees, bolt for the break room, and eventually head for the nearest exit. It was a pretty good plan.

Or, Plan B, he could beg for mercy.

Nah, running for it sounded much less demeaning. Jimmy swallowed hard again, shifted onto his hands and knees, and crawled towards the door. A staple whizzed over his head, and with a girly scream, he jumped to his feet and bolted for the break room.

Lois, armed and dangerous, was right behind him. Jimmy dove for the break room door, wrenched it open, and shut it closed behind him. He locked it quickly. A staple bounced harmlessly off the shut door. Jimmy whimpered.

A sudden thought occurred to him: Didn't he have his cell-phone with him?

Mentally smacking himself for forgetting this vital piece of information, Jimmy pulled his cell-phone from his pants pocket, ignoring Lois's livid cries. Fumbling with the keys, Jimmy quickly dialed Clark Kent's phone number.

"Hello?" said a groggy voice on the other end.

"C.K.! Boy, am I happy to hear your voice!" Jimmy exclaimed.

"Jimmy? What's going on?" Clark asked.

"Oh not a lot… you know, the usual – hiding in the break room at the DP from my crazy cousin-in-law," Jimmy said, cautiously peering out the glass window in the door.

Lois was glaring at him from the other side.

"Oh… she's still pretty upset about you getting her fired isn't she?" Clark inquired.

"Uh huh."

"Is she armed?"

Jimmy nodded, aware on some level of consciousness (specifically the part that wasn't panicking about the crazy lady trying to kill him) that Clark couldn't actually see him do this.

"Yeah. Staple gun," Jimmy responded.

"Yikes," Clark said, sounding sympathetic, "I'm surprised they aren't checking you into the hospital yet."

"Me too. Oh God! SHE'S GOT A CROWBAR! WHERE THE HECK DID SHE GET A CROWBAR FROM CLARK?!"

Clark pondered this.

"Mmm… I think she keeps one in her car."

"HELP ME!"

"Alright," Clark agreed, "I'll be over there in a few minutes."

Jimmy didn't respond, just closed the cell phone. He peered around, and spotted the cupboard under the small sink. He attempted to hide in said cupboard, but discovered it to be too small, and took refuge instead sitting with his back to the door, crossing his fingers that Clark would get there before Lois decided to pry the door open with her newly acquired crowbar. He could faintly hear her shouting, but couldn't quite make out what she was saying.

Fortunately, about a minute later, Jimmy heard Clark speak, and hopped up from his hiding place to peer through the window.

Lois made a rather rude hand gesture at Clark, and went back to attempting to kill Jimmy. Clark, relatively unfazed by Angry-Lois-With-A-Crowbar-And-Staple-Gun, and secure in the knowledge that she probably wouldn't try to kill her boyfriend, stepped toward her.

Jimmy held his breath.

Lois had her back to Clark, so the tall journalist wrapped his arms around her waist from behind, and lifted her into the air.

Jimmy saluted his bravery. Clark waved at him with one hand, using the other to successfully remove Lois from the premises.

When Lois was gone, Jimmy opened the door and made his way out of the building to his car.

*+=*+=*

**PART TWO**

**The Crashing of the Car, and the Wearing of the Balaclava**

**Saturday**

Despite the fact that she had tried to assassinate him, Jimmy still felt pretty bad about causing Lois to lose her job. So, Jimmy drove to the Daily Planet even though it was a Saturday, and made his way to Tess Mercer's office. He knocked uneasily. Chloe scared him. Lois terrified him. Tess? Creeped him out. Jimmy wasn't sure why. Maybe it was her huge, bug-like eyes. Maybe it was her, "annoy-me-and-I-kill-you" look. Maybe it was the way that even Lois respected her to some degree.

Whatever it was, she creeped him out, plain and simple. Tess's voice carried from inside the office:

"Come in."

Jimmy gulped, and opened the door.

Tess Mercer looked up at him from the paper she'd been reading, and gave him an irritated look.

"Hey Ms. Mercer! I was just uh, wondering something!" Jimmy stammered uneasily.

Tess glared.

"And…?" she inquired.

"Do you think you could give Lois her job back?" he asked bluntly.

"No."

With this single syllable of a statement, Tess dismissed him by looking back down at her paper.

Jimmy swallowed. It had been worth a try.

"Well, okay then! I'm just gonna… go now. You know how it is! Life, and all that."

Tess ignored him.

Jimmy backed out of the room, shutting the door behind him. He sighed. Women just did not like to make life easy for him. Fortunately, Jimmy had a plan. He got back in his car and headed home.

Once he'd arrived, he headed right upstairs to his bedroom and rummaged around in a drawer until he found what he was looking for.

A black balaclava.

Jimmy held it fondly in his hands, remembering the last time he'd worn it: he'd been chased out of Lucy's apartment by a giant, angry guard-dog. Those had been the days…

But it looked like the balaclava would be accompanying him on yet another adventure. He folded the balaclava and placed it in his jacket pocket, before heading back out to his car. He knew exactly where he needed to go next.

Jimmy Olsen arrived at a nearby clothing store five minutes later. Standing behind the counter was a young, pimply-faced teen.

_Counter Guy._

Jimmy puffed out his weak chest, squared his shoulders, and approached the magazine-reading youth.

"Excuse me?" Jimmy implored politely.

Counter Guy (a name Jimmy had bestowed upon him in what felt like another lifetime) looked up, irritated.

"Yeah?" he demanded.

"I'd like to buy a grappling-hook," Jimmy announced.

Counter Guy stared at him disbelievingly.

"What?"

"A grappling-hook."

The acne-ridden teenager shook his head, and disappeared into the storage room behind him. Jimmy waited patiently. Counter Guy finally returned, grappling-hook in hand, and shoved the equipment at Jimmy, a tired expression on his face.

Jimmy couldn't help but grin.

"Thanks!" Jimmy said, collecting the grappling-hook in his arms.

"Whatever," said Counter Guy.

Jimmy handed the teenager the appropriate amount of money, and exited the store. The sun was just beginning to set as he hopped into the driver's seat, depositing the grappling-hook in the back seat. Then he placed the key in the ignition and drove to Tess Mercer's house.

By the time he arrived, the sun had set and the stars had come out. It wasn't just a house. It was a… castle, for lack of a better word. Jimmy kept waiting for Dracula to emerge, dark cloak billowing in the breeze.

He didn't. Still.

Jimmy parked his car, and walked around to the back of the house, trying to judge which window was her bedroom window. He finally decided on one to the far East, and pulled on his balaclava, preparing for battle. Without further thought, he tossed the grappling-hook into the air with all the force he could muster.

It landed on the ground with a 'thunk'.

"Damn," Jimmy muttered.

He picked it back up, and tossed it into the air again. This time, it caught on the window ledge. Jimmy did a little victory dance, then tied the end of the rope to his belt. Then, planting his feet against the wall, he began to climb.

Jimmy had rock-climbed before. He'd figured that'd be enough practice. Apparently, it wasn't. He'd made it about nine feet up, when he slipped, and found himself hanging upside down, the rope he'd attached to his belt the only think keeping him up.

Which, coincidentally, was when the motion-censored flood-lights attached to the house/castle came on.

Jimmy swore under his breath as blood rushed to his head. He began to fumble with the rope, trying to unattach it. The knot, unfortunately, had been pulled extra tight when he'd slipped. Just as he heard movement inside the house, he managed to pull the knot loose.

Jimmy fell to the ground with a loud 'thump'.

He landed on his back, but was lucky enough to not have broken anything. Rubbing his side, he jumped to his feet and ran to his car just as Tess opened the front door. He dove into the driver's seat, and drove home speeding the whole way.

He had just gunned a yellow light, when his cell-phone rang. The sound of its tinny ring scared him enough that he swerved. The car skidded into a telephone pole.

The airbag popped up and smacked him in the face.

"Ow," he groaned.

Jimmy deflated the airbag, undid his seatbelt, and got out of the car. The entire front of it had been totaled, and the engine was over-heating. Chloe was going to murder him. While he called a tow-truck, he mused over his chances of living.

Lois wanted him dead. Chloe was going to want him dead. And Tess had seen a masked man running from behind her house and diving into a car that looked suspiciously like her employee's.

Yeah. He was pretty doomed.

*+=*+=*

**PART THREE**

**Explaining to Chloe, and Calling in Reinforcements**

**Sunday**

When Jimmy had finally arrived home (his car being fixed at a nearby mechanic's) Chloe had fortunately been asleep. He'd crept into bed beside her, and fallen asleep.

Chloe shook him awake at ten o'clock that morning. Jimmy groaned and rolled over.

"Five more minutes," he pleaded.

"Fine," Chloe said. "I don't care. Just tell me where the car is."

That brought Jimmy back to reality. He sat up with a sheepish smile.

"Uh, well… it's a really funny story. Seriously. And I'll tell you one day, but uh, I have to go do something!"

He tried to escape, but Chloe held him down.

"James Olsen! Where's the car?" she demanded.

"I umm…" Jimmy began.

"Jimmy!"

"IwastryingtogetblackmailonTesssoIcouldgetLoisherjobbackbutIgothungbymypantsfromagrapplinghookandIfellandshecameoutofherhouseandIrantothecartogetawaybutasIwasdrivingawaymycell-phonerangandscaredandmeandIsortakindacrashedthecarintoapole!" Jimmy exclaimed in one big breath.

Chloe stared at him for a full five seconds.

"What?!" she asked.

Jimmy took a deep breath.

"I was trying to get black-mail on Tess, so I could get Lois her job back. But I got hung by pants from a grappling-hook, and I fell, and she came out of her house. And I ran to the car to get away, but as I was driving away my cell-phone rang and scared me, and I sorta kinda crashed the car into a pole."

Chloe just stared at him again.

"Do I even want to know?" she inquired.

Jimmy shook his head. Chloe sighed.

"Fine, I'll just take a cab," she decided.

Chloe gave him one last menacing look, and left. Jimmy breathed a sigh of relief.

Jimmy was having a very, very bad week.

He had been chased with a staple gun. He had crashed his car. Chloe was no doubt considering killing him.

And all he had wanted was to help.

He knew what he needed to do next. He needed to call in reinforcements.

He found his cell-phone, and dialed Oliver Queen's phone number.

"Hullo?" answered the voice on the other end.

"Ollie!" Jimmy said. "Just the person I wanted to talk to. You know Tess, right?"

"Uh, yeah," Oliver responded, sounding confused as to why Jimmy was calling.

"Well, I think she saw my car the other night when I was trying to break into her house, and I was wondering if you could discourage her from planning my death," Jimmy said.

"Wait, what? Why were you trying to break into her house?"

"It's a long story. Just please don't let her kill me!" Jimmy begged.

"Alright…" Oliver agreed.

"Great! Bye!"

"…Bye."

With Tess taken care of, Jimmy dialed Clark's number. The phone rang four times before Clark picked up.

"Hi?"

"Hey C.K.!" Jimmy exclaimed happily.

"Hey Jimmy. What's up?" Clark asked.

"Not a lot… well actually, I have a favor to ask you," Jimmy confessed.

"What is it?" Clark inquired.

"Do you think you could keep Lois from, you know, planning to torture and kill me?" Jimmy requested.

"Yeah, sure," Clark agreed.

"Great! Thanks! Bye!" Jimmy said, and hung up the phone.

So that was taken care of. Jimmy decided to make a To-Do list to keep track of what he needed to do next:

To-Do Today

- Eat breakfast

- Try not to get killed by Chloe

- Come up with another way to get black-mail on Tess

- Avoid Lois

- Eat lunch

- Try to bribe Tess into giving Lois her job back

- Go home

- Avoid Chloe

- Eat dinner

- Go to the mechanic's and pay the bill

- Sleep

It seemed feasible to Jimmy, and he got up to take a shower and eat breakfast.

He combed his hair, ate a bowl of Lucky Charms, and hailed a cab. The driver glanced into the overhead mirror.

"Where to, Sir?" he asked.

"The Daily Planet please," Jimmy said.

The driver nodded, and drove off. They arrived at the Daily Planet ten minutes later. Jimmy paid the driver, and got out of the cab. He slunk into the Daily Planet, plan already forming in his mind. He'd sneak into Tess's office, steal some majorly secret folder, and black-mail her with it.

It seemed like a good idea to Jimmy.

He snuck down the hall, and peered into Tess's office. She'd left the door open, and wasn't around. Counting himself quite lucky, he slipped into the office and began to dig through the drawers of Tess's desk.

There was nothing. No manila folders labeled CONFIDENTIAL, no mysterious binders, no papers headed with For Your Eyes Only. Jimmy sighed. He was just about to leave, when he heard footsteps. He quickly closed the drawer he'd been looking in.

Jimmy, panicking, dove into the space underneath Tess's desk. He was shielded by the front of the desk, and the sides kept him hidden as well. Tess, not exactly suspecting one of her lead photographers to be hiding under her desk, walked around it. She was speaking on her cell-phone, and was distracted enough that she didn't even notice Jimmy as she sat down. It wasn't until she'd closed her cell-phone and adjusted her chair, that she peered underneath and raised her eyebrows.

"Mr. Olsen? Can I help you?"

Jimmy swallowed, and gave her a sheepish smile.

"Err, no… just… stopping by!"

Tess looked unconvinced.

"Why are you under my desk?"

"Uhmm… checking for woodlice?"

"Three strikes and you're out, Olsen."

Jimmy gulped.

"I… erm… look! Over there!" he exclaimed, pointing to Tess's left.

To his surprise, she actually looked. Jimmy threw himself out from under the desk and bolted. Tess's annoyed voice followed him:

"This is ridiculous! Olsen! Get back here!"

*+=*+=*

**PART FOUR**

**The Jury**

**Monday (Night)**

After an entire day of avoiding Tess at work (even going so far as to hide in the bathrooms after being called to her office), Jimmy had arrived back at his apartment. Chloe had gone to Lois's place to have one of their cousin-bonding-movie-marathons, and he had been expecting to have the place to himself. To his surprise, the door wasn't locked, and when he pushed it open, Jimmy could see an orange-yellow light pouring from the kitchen. The apartment was otherwise pitch-black. Curious, Jimmy closed the door behind him, and made his way to the kitchen.

Seated at the kitchen table were Chloe, Lois, and Tess. They had arranged their chairs so that they were all facing towards the entry from which Jimmy had just come. There was a single candle in the middle of the table. Lois had her arms crossed across her chest. Chloe had her fingers tented. Tess had her hands folded neatly in her lap.

Jimmy's brain shut down in panic. They'd joined forces! He gagged uselessly, trying to find something to say. None of the women moved. Jimmy stood in the door frame, eyes wide and panicked, but otherwise frozen.

The front door banged open, causing everyone in the kitchen to jump slightly, and in ran Clark and Oliver, looking just as terrified as Jimmy felt. Not to mention slightly guilty.

If it was possible, all three women looked even more murderous. No one moved. Clark was the first to speak:

"Chloe came over, and they started plotting, and then they called Tess, and I couldn't stop them!"

Oliver nodded vehemently.

No one moved. Chloe spoke then, her voice dangerously cool.

"Clark, Oliver, please take a seat," she said, gesturing to two chairs that had been placed against the far wall, as if anticipating their arrival.

The two men took their respective seats, looking mildly horrified.

Chloe then gestured to the single chair in front of herself, Tess, and Lois.

"Jimmy? Please have a seat," she said.

Jimmy, whose mouth had now fallen open in a gape, stumbled forward into the chair.

Chloe smiled a vicious smile.

"Good. Now. It has come to our attention that you've been… causing some problems lately," Lois said, uncrossing her arms, and folding her hands in her lap like Tess had.

Clark, apparently deciding to put his life on the line to help his comrade, spoke up:

"Lois sweetheart? I-I don't really think Jimmy _meant _to cause any trouble..."

Jimmy mouthed 'thank you' at him, but Clark was otherwise ignored. Tess continued where Lois had left off.

"Olsen. Shall we go over your current offenses?"

Oliver leaned over and whispered to Clark,

"Is this like, a trial or something? 'Cause if it is, they're gonna sentence him to death."

Clark nodded.

"Let's see," Chloe began, "You destroyed our car. You attempted to break into Tess's house. You hid under her desk. You succeeded in getting Lois fired – though Tess, understandably, has decided to re-hire her. Anything you'd like to add, Lois? Tess?"

"No, I think that about covers it, Chlo," Lois responded.

Tess nodded. Jimmy trembled. Clark swallowed. Oliver grimaced.

"Good," Chloe continued. "Anything you'd like to say in your defense, Honey?"

Jimmy nodded.

"I didn't mean to!"

There was silence. Then, seeing that he was being serious, all three women began to laugh. Jimmy tried again.

"I really didn't! When I saw Clark and Lois arguing that day, I panicked, you know? 'Cause it was _such _an effort to get them together, and I _know _they argue a lot, it's just what they do, but I panicked! I really didn't mean to get Lois fired! And then I tried to get blackmail on Tess so I could get Lois her job back, which was why I tried to break into her house. But I used a grappling-hook I'd tied to by belt, and I ended up hung upside-down from the house by my pants! Then she heard me, so I untied the rope, and hopped into the car! But as I was driving, my cell-phone rang and surprised me, and I totaled the car. So then I was looking in Tess's desk to see if I could find any blackmail there, but she came into her office, so I hid under the desk! But she found me, and frankly, Tess, you creep me out! So I ran away.

"I really didn't mean to upset anyone. I just wanted to help!"

The three women (or council of jurors, depending on your point of view) considered this. After a while, Clark apparently decided he couldn't wait any longer, and tapped Lois on the shoulder.

"Darling? Gorgeous woman I love? Umm… do Oliver and I get a-a vote? Or should we just shut up?" he asked, and then added, "Please don't hurt me."

Lois thought about this.

"Okay. You can vote," she decided. "Whoever thinks Jimmy should be let free, and charged on the defense of temporary insanity, please raise your hands."

Clark, Oliver, and Jimmy raised their hands.

"You don't get a vote," Tess snarled at Jimmy.

Jimmy put his hand down.

"Okay. All who think that Jimmy should be found guilty on all charges and punished accordingly, please raise your hands," Tess said.

Tess and Chloe raised their hands.

"Lo, you didn't vote," Chloe pointed out.

"That's because I don't have a vote. See, I don't really think Jimmy should go on unharmed, but at the same time, he _did _have good intentions. He's just an idiot," Lois decided.

Everyone's mouths fell open. Jimmy blinked.

"You're joking, right?" said Oliver, disbelievingly.

"No, I am not," Lois responded in a cold voice.

"Well, that makes it a tie then, doesn't it?" Jimmy asked hopefully.

Tess pulled out a piece of paper, wrote something on it, then passed it to Chloe. Chloe read it, seemed to consider it, then showed it to Lois. Lois shrugged, then nodded. Lois and Tess then stood up from the table. Jimmy looked at them confused.

"Where are you two going?" he asked.

Tess gave him a cruel smile.

"I'm going back to work, and I assume Lois is headed back home with Clark," she said.

Lois nodded, headed to the door, and beckoned for Clark to follow. Tess followed behind them, and Oliver behind Tess. Lois turned, hand on the doorknob, and made one final comment before pushing the door open and leaving:

"We've decided to let Chloe handle this."

*+=*+=*

**PART FIVE**

**Epilogue**

**Tuesday**

After calmly stating the previous night, shortly after Tess, Lois, Oliver, and Clark had left, that she was "going to get him – maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but one day", Chloe had gone upstairs to bed.

Jimmy had spent that night and the next day wondering if she'd booby-trapped the house. He hadn't slept all night, and he'd been too scared that she'd rigged the coffee machine to explode to drink coffee.

Tess was probably going to fire him eventually.

Oliver and Clark, having recovered from their initial fear, had taken to making fun of him constantly.

Lois had refrained from arguing with Clark when Jimmy was anywhere near.

_This,_ Jimmy thought, just before falling asleep on his keyboard, _totally beats almost-being-murdered._

*+=*+=*

**Author's Note: I decided to make this a three part (or more, if I feel inclined) series. I was writing this, when I got an idea for another Jimmy adventure. So, keep an eye out for the third bit. Hope you enjoyed this!**


End file.
